


Lock Me In The Laundry Room

by WaterMe



Category: Black Widow (Movie 2020), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: COVID-19, Everyone Is Poly Because Avengers, F/F, F/M, Group chat, Human Disaster Clint Barton, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Polyamorous Character, Polyfuckery, Quarantine, Rating May Change, Shenanigans, Solo Poly, Texting, honestly I got bored tagging the relationships and stopped, how is that a popular enough tag to come up fifth when I search "poly"??, nothing in this world is permanent let this be a lesson to you all
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:07:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23772040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WaterMe/pseuds/WaterMe
Summary: Natasha has been preparing for this moment her entire life.Pathogen-proof respirator? Check.Panic room full of Girl Scout Cookies? Check.Upbringing traumatic enough to weed out inconvenient human emotions like "boredom" and "loneliness"? Check.Now if only her phone would stop blowing up long enough to let read herfuckingbook.
Relationships: Bruce Banner/Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Clint Barton/Natasha Romanoff, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers/Sam Wilson, Matt Murdock/Franklin "Foggy" Nelson/Karen Page, Natasha Romanoff/Matt Murdock, Natasha Romanoff/Sam Wilson, Natasha/Everybody, Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Peter Parker/Wade Wilson
Comments: 13
Kudos: 61





	Lock Me In The Laundry Room

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usually I go into all my fics with an iron clad plan. Did I do that this time? No, I did not.
> 
> Did we need yet another group chat fic? No, we do not.
> 
> Will Natasha + Readers get some sexy rewards for her long-suffering patience at the end of all this? Only if I get around to writing it! But chances are high.

* * *

**✉ Avengers: Assemble**

* * *

> **20 March 2020,** 8:13 AM 
> 
> **Iron Man:** Hi everyone, you've probably seen the news. New York is on lockdown until we can get this COVID-19 thing under control.  
>  **Iron Man:** Theoretically we're essential, but there's not much we can do right now, so just stay home unless you hear the call. Bruce and I will be here working on rapid tests.
> 
> **B. Banner:** 👍👍
> 
> **Iron Man** changed the chat name to **Avengers, Please Don't Assemble**
> 
> **S. Rogers:** If I can add on to that, I would just urge everyone to take this very seriously. Follow the Governor's orders and the CDC recommendations. Wear a mask and gloves if you have to go outside, and follow proper decontamination procedures when you get back home. This could get very serious, very fast.
> 
> **Iron Man:** We do have space at the Tower if anyone wants. Just get here ASAP
> 
> **Black Widow:** I'm good
> 
> **Falcon:** We're good
> 
> **S. Rogers:** T. Stark,  
>  **S. Rogers:** What Sam said.  
>  **S. Rogers:** Regards,  
>  **S. Rogers:** SGR
> 
> **Iron Man:** ...  
>  **Iron Man:** He's fucking with me  
>  **Iron Man:** Right?  
>  **Iron Man:** You're all seeing this?
> 
> **Spider-Man:** I'm late to the party, did someone say SUPER-SLEEPOVER???
> 
> **Iron Man:** Only if you don't bring the boyfriend
> 
> **Spider-Man:** WOW  
>  **Spider-Man:** Mr. Stark, that's homophobic. You're oppressing my relationship
> 
> **Iron Man:** You are a literal child.  
>  **Iron Man:** Your relationship is a sex crime.
> 
> **Iron Man** changed Peter Parker's nickname to **Spider-Baby  
>  **
> 
> **Spider-Baby:** You all realize I’m an actual adult, right?  
>  **Spider-Baby:** I am in GRAD SCHOOL
> 
> **Iron Man:** *grade school  
>  **Iron Man:** He's 9, protect his virtue
> 
> **Spider-Baby:** Fuck off, you’re not my real dad
> 
> **Iron Man:** Watch your language, the grandpas are here
> 
> **Black Widow** changed Tony Stark's nickname to **Iron Dad**
> 
> **Iron Dad:** WOW
> 
> **S. Rogers:** T. Stark,  
>  **S. Rogers:** Kindly yeet yourself into the fucking sun.  
>  **S. Rogers:** Regards,  
>  **S. Rogers:** SGR
> 
> **Deadpool** ❌💀❌ **:** Iconic.
> 
> **Iron Dad:** How the FUCK did he get in here  
>  **Iron Dad:** Again
> 
> **Iron Dad** removed **Deadpool** from the chat  
> 
> 
> **Deadpool** 🖤❌💀❌🖤 **:** More like Daddypool, amirite?  
>  **Deadpool** 🖤❌💀❌🖤 **:** eggplant emoji, smirking emoji, crossed swords emoji, father/son emoji, water drops emoji
> 
> **Black Widow:**...
> 
> **Falcon:** Did he just
> 
> **Winter Soldier:** wait how do I do those
> 
> **Iron Dad:** FRIDAY
> 
> **Friday** removed **Deadpool** from the chat
> 
> **Spider-Baby:** Yeah, we'll see how long that sticks  
>  **Spider-Baby:** He's currently keyboard mashing and whispering "hacking!" over and over  
>  **Spider-Baby:** The keyboard is not actually plugged in. He's using the microwave as a monitor  
>  **Spider-Baby:** I give it two hours before he's back in, tops
> 
> **Hawkeye:** WAIT  
>  **Hawkeye:** u know what this means  
>  **Hawkeye:** it is meme time, my buds  
>  **Hawkeye:** _< coronavirusmeme.jpg>  
>  _**Hawkeye:** _< COVIDfunnyshit.png>  
>  _**Hawkeye:** _< corona_the-office_lol.jpg>_
> 
> **S. Rogers** removed **Hawkeye** from the chat

* * *

Natasha has been preparing for this moment her entire life.

Panic room full of canned goods? Check.

Pathogen-proof respirator? Check.

Disinfectant and paper towels in sufficient quantities to completely remove all forensic evidence of up to two (2) large corpses? Check.

Three month supply of Girl Scout Cookies? Check.

Upbringing traumatic enough to weed out inconvenient human emotions like "boredom" and "loneliness"? Check.

Cat litter?

Aw, fuck.

She sits down to make a Chewy order.

* * *

**✉ Clint Barton**

* * *

> **Clint:** hey, want to have a date on tuesday?  
>  **Clint:** come over, i'll cook you dinner
> 
> **Nat:** Clint  
>  **Nat:** Clint, that is the precise opposite of what we're allowed to do right now
> 
> **Clint:** but it's just u and me :( :( :(
> 
> **Nat:** And all the people who live in your building  
>  **Nat:** And all the people they interact with at work because their shitty minimum wage grocery stocking job is essential  
>  **Nat:** And the people who deliver all the take-out I know you're going to be ordering  
>  **Nat:** And Mrs. Peterson downstairs who is immunocomprimised and won't let you walk past without coming in for a cup of tea  
>  **Nat:** Should I keep going?
> 
> **Clint:** :( :( :(  
>  **Clint:** i just want to see u
> 
> **Nat:** Stay the fuck inside
> 
> **Clint:** i'll sanitize myself  
>  **Clint:** take a lil lysol bath
> 
> **Clint:** i'll bring you dinner?  
>  **Clint:** we can talk through the window?
> 
> **Clint:** will u at least add me back into the groupchat?

* * *

**✉ Sam Wilson**

* * *

> **Sam:** Hey, you good?
> 
> **Nat:** Yup! Got everything I need
> 
> **Sam:** We all feel bad that you're alone 😔
> 
> **Nat:** Don't worry about me  
>  **Nat:** Really  
>  **Nat:** How are you three?
> 
> **Sam:** I'm good, a little worried of course  
>  **Sam:** Bucky's hard to read, but you know him. He adapts. Although he's claimed the coat closet as his territory  
>  **Sam:** I think he's building a nest in there  
>  **Sam:** So I don't know if that's what we would call healthy
> 
> **Nat:** And Steve?
> 
> **Sam:**...  
>  **Sam:** Yeahhhhh  
>  **Sam:** He says he's pissed at Clint, but...  
>  **Sam:** You remember the Spanish Flu?
> 
> **Nat:** Yup
> 
> **Sam:** No  
>  **Sam:** No, you don't  
>  **Sam:** But Steve does
> 
> **Nat:**... Shit.
> 
> **Sam:** Yeah, he's pretty triggered. Do me a favor, if any of you dumbfucks get it in your head to sneak out and do something stupid, don't put it in the chat, okay? He'll blow a gasket
> 
> **Nat:** Copy
> 
> **Sam:** Seriously, though, do you want to pack up the cat and quarantine here?  
>  **Sam:** We always got room for a pretty lady or two 😏
> 
> **Nat:** You know, I'd take you up on it, but I've already built my own quarantine nest in my coat closet here, and I'd hate to have to stab Barnes in his own home.
> 
> **Sam:** Haha, fair  
>  **Sam:** We could do some video chats? Give you some company?
> 
> **Nat:** Actually, I could use one thing
> 
> **Sam:** Sure, whatever we can do
> 
> **Nat:** Can you ask Bucky to check his Closet Nest for a spare can of Extrovert-B-Gone?
> 
> **Sam:** Wow.  
>  **Sam:** Rude.

* * *

**✉ Avengers, Please Don't Assemble**

* * *

> **B. Banner:** Hi everyone.  
>  **B. Banner:** I know Tony said you could come quarantine at the tower if you needed to, but cancel that. Tony's got a fever and a cough. We're working on getting tested, but we have to assume that he, Pepper, and I are positive.  
>  **B. Banner:** Since we were all in the same room last Wednesday, you should assume that you have been exposed and act accordingly.
> 
> **Black Widow:** That sucks. How's he holding up?
> 
> **B. Banner:** Symptoms could be worse. You know how he gets, though. He holed himself up in his lab and pledged not to sleep until he had found a cure. I won't go into detail, but Friday's got him locked in his room now.  
>  **B. Banner:** In unrelated news, the new tranq arrows I made for Clint work really well.
> 
> **Falcon:** HAH!  
>  **Falcon:** Take care of yourself, and tell your boo we hope he feels better
> 
> **B. Banner:** ???  
>  **B. Banner:** He’s not??? My boo???  
>  **B.** **Banner:** 😳
> 
> **Falcon:** … 
> 
> **Spider-Boy:** Are you sure?  
>  **Spider-Boy:** Sorry, sorry, I don’t mean to invalidate your identification of your relationship. I just thought you were together, too  
>  **Spider-Boy:** You three live together and everything, guess I just assumed you were a thing
> 
> **B. Banner:** Lots of people live at Stark Tower!
> 
> **Falcon:** In Tony Stark’s penthouse, with Tony Stark and his wife?
> 
> **B. Banner:** It’s convenient? For science emergencies?
> 
> **Falcon:** Y’all CUDDLE. C’mon man, I’ve seen you at it
> 
> **B. Banner:** How stereotypical of you all to assume that cuddling automatically implies a relationship. Friends can share platonic physical affection.
> 
> **Black Widow:** you don’t cuddle with me
> 
> **Falcon:** or me
> 
> **S. Rogers:** Or me.
> 
> **Spider-Man:** ^ samsies  
>  **Spider-Man:** Look man, I’m sorry for assuming, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. It’s cool if you’re dating, or platonic hetero life partners, or science buddy roommates, or whatever
> 
> **B. Banner:** Platonic... hetero... life partners?  
>  **B. Banner:** I need to go talk to Pepper.
> 
> **B. Banner ** has marked himself as **Away From Keyboard **
> 
> **Winter Soldier:**...
> 
> ** Winter Soldier ** changed the chat name to **Avengers Gone Wild ** 🎉👯🌵
> 
> **Falcon:** baby, no
> 
> **Winter Soldier:** baby YES
> 
> **Deadpool** 💃🖤❌💀❌🖤💃 **:** Here for it.  
>  **Deadpool** 💃🖤❌💀❌🖤💃 **:** The cactus really makes it, if I didn't know better I would assume you'd been emojing for years.
> 
> **Falcon:** How the fuck?  
>  **Falcon:** Did he really get back in here using a damn microwave?

* * *

** ✉  ** **Matthew Murdock** **  
**

* * *

> _(transcribed from voice)_
> 
> **Matt:** Can I come see you?  
>  **Matt:** LOL **  
> **
> 
> **Natalia:** No, and no  
>  **Natalia:** I see what you did there
> 
> **Matt:** Good, because I didn't.  
>  **Matt:** Which emoji is the best one to represent sad puppy eyes?
> 
> **Natalia:** Your sad puppy eyes are no good here  
>  **Natalia:** Stay inside  
>  **Natalia:** Or I'm telling Foggy
> 
> **Matt:** Pft.
> 
> **Natalia:** And Karen
> 
> **Matt:**... **  
> Matt:** You wouldn't.
> 
> **Natalia:** And Jesus
> 
> **Matt:** Okay, if you're going to stab me in the back, could you just do it literally?

* * *

Natasha decides she needs a little bit of a break from being Natasha.

She takes a deep breath and does a sun salutation, wincing as her muscles crunch through the sequence. She grounds her feet in the earth, rolls through her spine one vertebra at a time, stacks her pelvis...

... and greets the sky as Emily (a bubbly yoga instructor and photography enthusiast from Long Island).

Emily checks in on "the girls" (her yoga chat), assuring everyone that, yes, she's having some feels and some _major_ FOMO, but is safe and stocked up. No, but enough about me, how are you? (Emily is a _great_ listener). Shannon's sewing masks for local health professionals. Kristina is thinking about teaching Zoom classes, has anyone looked into that? _Huh,_ thinks Emily. _Might be a good way to pass the time._

Emily posts a heavily filtered Instagram photo of Miho in a sunbeam, against a carefully generic background.

Emily donates to a GoFundMe for Melanie's yoga + coffee + cat cafe (Purrvana), which had launched just days before the pandemic hit. Sucks, dude.

Emily checks Insta again. The photo of Miho has gained her three new followers who are, by all appearances, actual cats. She scrolls through her feed a little longer, leaving glowing comments and enthusiastic emoji on sweaty workout selfies and artful shots of women doing handstands on beaches.

Bored with Emily, Natasha puts her phone down. Then, she picks it up one more time.

> **Emily:** Okay but real-talk ladies - anyone else absolutely DELUGED with thirsty-ass boys rn?  
>  **Emily:** "Netflix Party and Chill," am I right?

Her phone starts to ping as the girls all agreed that the struggle was real. Natasha abandons it in search of a snack.

Namaste, motherfuckers.

* * *

**✉ Avengers Gone Wild **🎉👯🌵 

* * *

> **Hawk-Guy** has been added to the chat by  **Black Widow **  
> ****
> 
> **Hawk-Guy:** hey guys so  
>  **Hawk-Guy:** remember that cat that lucky dragged in last month?
> 
> **Winter Smoulder** **:** Do not remember  
>  **Winter Smoulder** **:** Send pics
> 
> **Hawk-Guy:** _< fancycat.jpg>_
> 
> **Winter Smoulder** **:** Not ringing a bell
> 
> **Hawk-Guy:** _< fancycat2.jpg>  
>  _**Hawk-Guy:** _< fancycat3.jpg>_
> 
> **Falcon:** bud he knows your cat he’s just doing it for cat pics
> 
> **Spider-Kid** **:** shut up, Sam
> 
> **Hawk-Guy:** _< fancynlucky8.jpg>_
> 
> **Winter Smoulder** **:** :’)
> 
> **Hawk-Guy:** anyway, i think she’s sick? and i’m wondering if it’s worth it to navigate the vet and curbside pick-up and everything?
> 
> **Spider-Kid** **:** BABY
> 
> **Black Widow:** What’s she doing?
> 
> **Hawk-Guy:** she's yowling? i think she's hurting :( :( :(  
>  **Hawk-Guy:** she keeps sticking her butt in the air, maybe her it's her leg or her back or something???  
>  **Hawk-Guy:** worried cat dad over here :(
> 
> **Black Widow:** Clint.
> 
> **Falcon:** Clint.
> 
> **B. Banner:** Clint.
> 
> **Winter Smoulder** **:** ???
> 
> **Hawk-Guy:** what?
> 
> **Falcon:** Is that cat fixed?
> 
> **Hawk-Guy:** yes?
> 
> **Black Widow:** Clint.
> 
> **Hawk-Guy:** maybe?
> 
> **Falcon:** Clint.  
>  **Falcon:** That cat is in heat.
> 
> **Hawk-Guy:** aw, fancy, no  
>  **Hawk-Guy:** she’s just a baby
> 
> **Black Widow:** Babies making babies  
>  **Black Widow:** It’s okay. Miho was a teen mom and she turned out okay
> 
> **Hawk-Guy:** what do I do, tho???
> 
> **Falcon:** Keep her inside  
>  **Falcon:** Give her space from Lucky, if you can  
>  **Falcon:** Get her fucking FIXED as soon as this lifts
> 
> **Hawk-Guy:** yeah yeah yeah, ofc  
>  **Hawk-Guy:** i was gonna take her in for shots n stuff when i got her, but i guess i forgot
> 
> **Black Widow:** CLINT.
> 
> **Spider-Kid** **:** This one time we had a cat and she kept going into heat?  
>  **Spider-Kid** **:** And she would scream a bunch and try to get outside?  
>  **Spider-Kid** **:** So we would lock her in the laundry room until her heat was over
> 
> **Winter Smoulder:** mood  
>  **Winter Smoulder** **:** am in heat  
>  **Winter Smoulder** **:** lock me in the laundry room
> 
> **Falcon:** Bucky  
>  **Falcon:** Baby  
>  **Falcon:** Fire of my loins  
>  **Falcon:** Love of the life of the love of my life  
>  **Falcon:** You are literally quarantined with your TWO PARTNERS. One of whom is a SUPER SOLDIER and can do it all day
> 
> **Spider-Kid** **:** :o
> 
> **Black Widow:** WOW.
> 
> **Winter Smoulder** **:** sometimes you are both asleep  
>  **Winter Smoulder** **:** and we have a Rule about sleep sex after that time Steve put you through the wall
> 
> **Spider-Kid** **:** :O
> 
> **S. Rogers:** BUCK.
> 
> **Winter Smoulder** **:** hey Clint I looked it up  
>  **Winter Smoulder** **:** try petting her her in the lower back / butt area  
>  **Winter Smoulder** **:** kinda spank her  
>  **Winter Smoulder** **:** or lift her gently up by the tail
> 
> **Hawk-Guy:** ok cool  
>  **Hawk-Guy:** cool cool cool  
>  **Hawk-Guy:** oh, yeah, she likes that, she’s calming down  
>  **Hawk-Guy:** what does it do?
> 
> **Winter Smoulder** **:** I don’t know man, it’s like a sex thing for ‘em or something
> 
> **Inferior Iron Man:** excuse me WHAT  
>  **Inferior Iron Man:** and also THE FUCK
> 
> **Inferior Iron Man:** and also WHO CHANGED MY NAME

* * *

**✉** **Franklin Nelson**

* * *

> **Foggy:** I'm so sorry.
> 
> **Natasha:** For what?
> 
> **Foggy:** For whatever it is that Matt did.
> 
> **Natasha:** How's he holding up?
> 
> **Foggy:** I caught him trying to mask up and crawl out the window twice.  
>  **Foggy:** The third time, social services brought him back.  
>  **Foggy:** Pretty sure I'm on a list now.
> 
> **Natasha:** Have you tried locking him in the laundry room?
> 
> **Foggy:**????
> 
> **Foggy:** It. Worked? Bless you, you're a miracle worker.
> 
> **Natasha:** 😘

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is very loosely based on my own current existence. Hopefully it brightened your day a bit.
> 
> I've got at least one more chapter in me. After that, who knows?


End file.
